image source: https://www.theodysseyonline.com/an-open-letter-to-death
May 31, 2017
10:30pm
To the mother I never had: (To whom it
may concern lang ang peg)
(I'm sorry mother (noun: muh-ther: my own 1st
definition: one who carried human 9 months, not necessarily mean, they love the
one they carried), I cannot address you “dear”, I
don't want to speak of something not true in my heart).
By the way, as I write this, I don't know
if I'm speaking to a dead or living person?
In my adoption letter you stated that
you're from Leyte. Years back, many died because of typhoon. After you gave me
to my foster parents, I don't know if you went back to your province, stayed
then died because of that typhoon? Either, will still write this.
In few hours, month of May is about to end.
Thank God! What's with May? Month of the year that being a “mother” is
celebrated! Month of the year that I dread. A Sunday of this month that I shut
my self off from anybody, both actual and virtual, where I almost want to die.
Since I can't, I just sleep whole day (doing this for several years now), so
parang ganon na rin... dead..at least for a day. I don't have “mother” (that I know is: with blood connection.
Imagine! 9 months umbilical connection? One who never give up. Never pass the
responsibility to someone else) to celebrate with.
I have my tita who stand, stayed and took the role, but she's not my mother.
Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for my tita but then again, she's not my
mother as I defined it (the last definition).
Other significant months, dates of the
year? As follows:
June (20 to be exact) : growing up years, every this date, tita
would woke me up and greet me “happy
birthday”. Until now she can't explain me
why! Maybe they under calculated my real birth month.
July (#27 is I made up): is my real birth
month. Based from my adoption letter, year 1979, I'm already 5 months when they
got me at December. Since no date, #27 is significant date to me. That's my
spiritual birth date.
September 27, 1995 : This date I am so sure! This date I will never ever forget and
this date is already written in the Book of life! - “...and the books were opened: and another book
was opened, which is the book of life” - Rev. 20:12. These dates
were I repented of my sins and accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal
Lord and Saviour. Since then on, I am assured of my destination after this
life. I am heavenward because of my personal relationship with Jesus. The real!
#mayforever! And the promise that all this things (as in all!) will soon come
to pass “And God shall wipe
away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither
sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things
are passed away - Rev. 21:4.
My spiritual birthday and I'm now on my 22nd
year in faith :)
December 20, 1978 : This date is so terrible! All made up! Nothing is true! The
month, date and year! everything on it! Possible reference: because I was given
to tatay December. The 20? no idea at all. 1978 because my foster mother can't “give
birth” at same year! duh?! She has her 9-month son, I was 5 months when I came
to them. So in my 1985, late registration birth certificate, I'm born 1978.
Look mother! (1st definition)
Identity problem! If you only know its implication. Not only on the birth date!
Even my name! As follows:
You named me “Aleli” (why you named
me that?)
I grow up with a name “Jerelyn”.
My foster parents named me “Abigail”
I already found out that that's my name
when I'm about to go to school, at 5 or 6 I think. I still vividly recall,
practising writing this name at my foster parents’ house. I didn't never ever live
with them. I grew up with Mama (my foster father's mother) and tita (foster
father sister). This name taken from the bible. In the bible, giving name is so
important.
At kinder, my teacher spelled my name “Abegail”
At grade school, I nicknamed my self “Abi”
We were asked for our nicknames to be
placed in our t-shirt (for majorettes). I just cut my name into 2 and got the 1st
syllable.
At high school, my teacher spelled my
nickname “Abbie” and carried it up to now.
Just few months ago, I re-claim my “Abi”
nickname
I made and give this only to significant
persons. My way of saying this is the 2nd me. If I give them my
“Aleli” name, it's my way of saying, “that is really me!”
You know how important name is to me? I'm
fond of knowing reasons behind names, the “what's in a name?”
How about my being? My temperament? From who
does it came from? How many percent from you? From my father? I read one time
in my Psychology study that we get more genes from grandparents than parents.
Who are my grandparents? How are they? Do they know about me? You said that my
father didn't take any responsibility for you and me. You also said that I am
born out of wedlock (sin? mistake?- that's why!I knew it! Because whenever I don't make things right? I
don't point to any! (I am not used to that) but I only blame myself! Because I
am born out of mistake! Right? Yeah right! That's it!
Some said that maybe I just don't
understand why you did what you did. In fairness to birth mothers, I read one
article about adoptees and birth mothers - we both feel same thing. The feeling
of lost identity, struggle of separation, longingness among others. But this
you don't feel-- you don't feel the feeling of being “abandoned”, look, I am
the abandoned. It's you who left me! It's you who made the choice. I am
helpless. I cannot decide for myself. Now, it is me who struggle and question
about my “worth”. I somewhere read that adoptees are the unsuccessful abortion.
“Why do I have to be born then be given away?”. You know what's worst? Growing
up and to keep on hearing that they wish they've just let me die when I was
still small? Why people don't like me! What's wrong with me? The struggle keeps on coming and coming and
coming back. I came to a point that I get used to being left behind. The cycle.
I will meet someone, I'll be attached, then one day will leave me and the reason
I don't know. Then will just tell myself that I should not be surprised anymore
of being left behind. After all my birth mother (my own blood) left me? So
whats so new about that? Am I not used to that? And by the way! This one thing
I got from you and the same with us- - - we both good in detachment! We both
good on deciding on that! I got that from you! Bravo!
So why I am now writing you?
Because I wish you were here. I wish you
never left me. But you did. And this mother month presents all around?- reminds
me more of your absence!
You know I am now at the point of my adult
age wishing I have you with me. Seating and talking adult-to-adult (you know
those thing we see in the movies, tv and commercials? The mother -daughter
quality time? that! Always made me cry). About life, decisions, career,
lovelife (what do you know about that? anyway at least learning’s) because
people say “mothers know best” I don't know? I don't have you! Well, I have
tita, but she's not my mother (and besides, she's under my wings) I have friends
whom I can talked to, but they are friends! I have mother-friends, but they are
not my mother! They are mother of their children. I want a mother of my own even without saying
a word, just a shoulder to cry on and a tight hug (you know how much I loved to
be hugged? Much more if it's from you?) will understand me because I'm of her
own. 9 months connection remember? My
bloodline mother.
You know how the Lord replaced your
absence? He comforts me with His word. Whenever I am feeling this way, He will
bring me to His word. Just this Sunday, He reminded me to “Fear not,
therefore you are of more value than many sparrows” - Matthew 28: 31.
Whenever I am questioning my value, my worth? The Lord has His way of
impressing in my heart how much He loves me and how valuable I am to Him.
Love can be expressed in different ways. As
God the Father sacrificed His own Son Jesus to die for the world, for me! (Thank
God someone did!) That's love!
As to you and me...give me time. Soon I
will fully understand why you did what you did. Giving away the child you bore
for 9 months and being in the midst of confusion, fear, worry, lack of support
from the man you entrusted yourself? Giving me away is maybe the only thing you
know that time to express your love. Sacrifice.
From the child you never had, you sacrifice…
because you love(?),
Aleli
